While on the long leg of an international flight, I was chatting with my seatmate David about the places we’ve been, where we want to go, and funny travel stories. Through the course of that chat, it occurred to me that I’ve got some really funny and/or amazing stories that happened while I was going from point A to point B. This would be one of them and it would be of the funny genre.
It was a Friday evening and I was traveling home to Minneapolis, MN (MSP) from Newark, NJ (NWK) on my usual 5:00 Delta flight. At this point, I’d reached the coveted Diamond status and could count on a first class upgrade within the continental US. This flight was no exception. For those who don’t travel as frequently, Delta Diamond means no less than 150,000 miles a year. Otherwise known as, having no life outside of work. That context translates into the fact that I earned that damn seat! 🙂
It’s a full flight and I settle into my seat. It’s also Friday evening so for those in first class, its happy hour. At least for everyone but me. I don’t like to drink on a plane, makes me feel funny. At least, more funny than normal when I have a drink. In any event, the cocktails are being passed out and I’m fiddling on my laptop and wrapping up my week. About 90 minutes into the flight I hear a moan. Yes, a moan. It’s not the kind of moan that implies pain. It’s the kind of moan that I typically only hear coming from the hotel room next to mine, if you know what I mean?
My seat mate turns and looks at me and says, “This can’t be real. I think we are on an episode of Punked. Where is Ashton Kutcher?” For my international friends, Punked is a practical joke television show that puts normal people in really strange situations and eventually Ashton Kutcher shows up and says “you’ve been Punked”. My seatmate was convinced a joke was being played on us, but I wasn’t so sure.
The moaning continues for about 30 more minutes and it’s at that point I think to myself, “clearly someone is joining the mile high club and is so loud that he, or she, or they, or whoever, wants the rest of us to know it.” With that logic in mind, I decide I’m going to check this out. I literally turn around in my seat, place my hands on the back of my seat and pull a “prairie dog” and pop up over my seat and look back at the people behind me. What do I see??
I see a guy sitting directly behind me and he’s slid down in his seat sleeping with his mouth open and moaning. His tray table is down and there are several tiny empty Jack Daniel’s bottles. It’s at this time that he actually says the following, “No, Miss Kitty, No Miss Kitty”. The man sitting next to him is holding up his cell phone videotaping this and looks at me and says, “can you believe this sh*t? No one at home will believe this so I have to video tape it!”
I turn around and tell my seatmate what I saw and he still says, “no way, this is a joke. This can’t actually be happening.” About another 45 minutes and we are landing in Minneapolis. The lights flick on in the airplane and the moaning man behind me wakes up and wobbles to his feet. It’s at this point that I notice his seat…then his pants…and realize…he peed himself. I turn to my neighbor and say, “I don’t think he’s faking it. There will be no Ashton.” He looks down and sees it too. Meanwhile, the video guy is still filming, shaking his head and saying “no one will believe this sh*t!”
I monitored YouTube for a couple of weeks to see if the video gent would post it online but I think he thought the better of it. Likely the moaning man had a wife, children, a career, and lord only knows what precipitated his over consumption on the plane. Suffice it to say, I’ve never seen anything like it, before, or since. If ever I was one to imbibe on a plane, this “moment” would have taught me otherwise. I think I’ll stick to my alcohol free approach to plane travel. Lord only knows what might come out of my mouth if I did!